Thursday, September 11, 2008

I'm Only Not Sleeping. I'm Stream-of-consciousness-ing.

Because I have got clutter in my drain (brain) like Stephen King. Thanks Blindbeard for the handy analogy. I've decided swab some of it out with this post about random things, hoping that I'll be ready to sleep at the end of it. I'm due at work in a few short hours. Wish me luck!

An addendum to my list of symptoms:
-Occasional stabbing pain in the face.
-Lately, pain. Everywhere.
-Frequent and/or urgent urination.
There will be more I'm certain.

What exactly constitutes "significant new symptoms"(SNS)? The neuro always says to call if I have SNS, but does that mean blindness and paralysis or should I tell about muscle pain and new depths of fatigue? And how do you separate regular pain from MS pain? I had a hysterectomy over the summer and a subsequent surgery to remove a large blood clot (developed post-op). The cocktail of antibiotics they put me on annihilated all the good bacteria in my guts so I ended up with a raging case of c.diff. Turns out, c. diff infections are crazy fucking painful! I never knew. I have more sympathy for my patients with c. diff now. I think I'm entirely recovered from the surgeries and infections, but I'm still getting bizzaro pains and irks in my pelvis. And damn! I pee a lot!

I started smoking again. I feel incredibly guilty. I know, it's really disgusting.

I had to have THE menstruation conversation with my 9 year old daughter last week. She's 9 and I think, hormonal already. Suddenly she has questions about boobs and shaving. Like me, she HATES to be the last to know about anything and I want to have long girly convos with her about all this stuff, but I'm sooooo tired and we are all sooooo busy, and my work schedule soooooo sucks ass. And last night the boy-child tells me, "I know babies are made from the goo, but where does the goo come from?" Really? They couldn't have these questions when we're lounging on the beach (a fave way of coping with Avonex side-effects) instead of at bed times that are already too late?

We're so broke. This year has financially kicked our ass. I have the best income I've ever had and health insurance for the first time in my -ahem- adult life. Somehow, I'm still a broke bitch. WTF, mate?

Am I gonna get laid off? Someone's gonna. Pleeeeeeze c'mon already! Fire at will! I can't stand the wondering anymore!

Hurricanes? Gawd, I could totally use the overtime I'll get at work if we get whacked liked 2004. But there's rising home insurance costs, loss of life, and sand dune depletion to consider as well.

I keep having nightmares that horrific, violent, and painful things are happening to me. Shot in the arm while driving. Attacked by a panther in the middle of a crowded college campus. Stalked by thugs that look like rejected skinheads who finally start kicking the shit out of me just as arrive at my childhood home's playground. In all of these dreams the scary bit is not what you'd think. During all of the "attacks" I stay totally cool and collected. Until I have to decide if I should run for help or fight back. I'm totally wasting time making pro/con lists on how to react in every one of these dreams. I wake up terrified and infuriated with myself for being as indecisive in dreamland as I am in The Real World. Argh.

I'm not sure this helped. Must try sleep again.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are my hero for knowing how to deal with hormonal pre-teens and awkward questions.

Hang in will get better. It has to.